The Fashionably Late Bride 2
Happily Ever After
What are the odds of finding true love after 40? In today's episode of MaryLayo Talks, guest Vinnie Garrett shares her thoughts about romance and dating, potential partners, sustaining a marriage and incorporating God into life.
Discussion points include:
- Thoughts on first and second-time marriages?
- During your journey to getting married what helped your mental health and spiritual health?
- What are the misconceptions that people can have about singleness and even marriage?
- What advice do you have for individuals who are still single and struggling with feelings of loneliness or even societal expectations?
- Bible scriptures to support spiritual wellbeing.
Take a moment to delve into what may be 'beyond the smile' - listen in to the conversation.
Marylayo's spiritual wellbeing tip: Meditate on the book of Ruth, i.e., Chapters 1-4, in the bible.
Connect with MaryLayo:
For help in dealing with mental health related matters, please seek specialist advice and support if needed.
Transcript
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::MaryLayo: Welcome to Marylayo Talks, a podcast
that.
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::MaryLayo: Discusses mental health and
spiritual well being.
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::Before we jump in, there may be episodes that
are particularly sensitive for some listeners,
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::and if that applies, then I.
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::MaryLayo: Hope you'll be able to join me.
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::MaryLayo: Whenever you feel ready and able.
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::In today's episode, I'm with guest Vinny
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::Garrett, who walked down the aisle for the
first time in her late 40s.
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::This is the second part of my conversation
with Vinny where Vinny shares her thoughts
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::about romance, dating, and marriage.
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::Let's join in the conversation.
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::Vinnie: I'm also going to say something that I
usually say and has nothing to do with faith,
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::but I am a strong proponent of finding a mate
who's already been married.
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::Listen, the most successful marriages that I
know, in my experience, is one who has been
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::married and one who's never been married, or
two people who have been married before and
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::got remarried.
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::It's so different.
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::No one tells you what it's like to be married.
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::No one tells you about the would be monotony
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::that can come from being married.
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::You know a person so well, you start to take
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::advantage of them.
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::When that happens, resentment happens.
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::When resentment happens, it's hard to get rid
of that.
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::It is so hard.
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::The feelings that come from being like, think
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::about when your best friend hurt you.
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::She knew I wanted that dress and she bought it
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::anyway.
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::That's a small thing.
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::I know you're laughing.
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::MaryLayo: I am.
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::Oh, my gosh, it's so true.
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::Vinnie: But then when it's your mate who
causes resentment, I sleep next to this
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::person.
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::I eat all my meals with this person.
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::Now I don't even want to face him.
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::I don't want to see him.
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::I don't even want to be around him.
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::When you start to create a relationship like
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::that, when you start to have those feelings,
it's time for you to regroup and figure out
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::why you came together in the first place.
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::It's time to, hey, listen, I know this isn't
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::your intent, but whenever we lullalo or
whenever this happens, it makes me feel this
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::way.
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::And if you don't have that maturity in your
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::relationship for that other person to actually
hear what you're saying instead of, well, I
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::don't do that.
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::That's not what I said.
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::When you have that, you're going to miss each
other.
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::You're going to always miss each other.
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::You have to listen to each other with openness
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::and honesty.
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::And even my husband will say, my first
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::marriage was not like this.
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::My first marriage, we didn't have this level
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::of communication, hence why you're divorced.
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::But it takes that.
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::It really takes that.
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::And please don't ever let some man say, happy
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::wife, happy life.
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::No, because I don't want a puppet.
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::I don't want to just be happy for the sake of
being happy because you made it that way.
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::You have shrunk yourself so much.
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::That is just about making me happy.
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::No, sir.
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::No, ma'am.
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::You get to equally be as happy as I am.
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::You should be.
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::If you don't run, don't walk.
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::Run.
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::MaryLayo: You know what?
I'm going to switch it up now, and I'm going
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::to ask just so that we have a little fun, you
some light hearted questions and there's no
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::wrong, there's no right.
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::Okay.
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::You get to choose based on you.
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::So would you say there's a show called this?
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::Actually, my question is, is love blind?
Yes or no?
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::Yeah.
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::Vinnie: You don't see it coming.
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::You shouldn't see it coming.
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::I think love is blind.
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::Not only do you not see it coming, but some of
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::the times you let things fall by the wayside
you wouldn't normally let fall or get away
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::with.
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::Because I think a lot of people misinterpret
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::it infatuation for love, the endorphins or
whatever that gets released into your brain
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::when you are in love.
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::Right.
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::Quote unquote.
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::People are always seeking that high.
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::And what you should be seeking is just a
sustainable relationship with ups and downs.
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::It can't always be high.
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::It can't.
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::MaryLayo: So that's a yes from you?
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::Vinnie: That's a yes for me.
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::MaryLayo: And then if you had to pick a film,
a movie, which one of these two would you
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::choose?
Would you go with that traditional bridgerton
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::or would you go with Pretty Woman?
So, yeah, out of these two romantic.
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::Vinnie: Call them definitely Pretty Woman,
hands down.
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::Because it's two people who seemingly have
nothing to do with each other, would not
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::possibly meet each other in any other
scenario, and you change things about me and I
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::change things about you, and we fall in love.
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::That's the quintessential love story.
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::Okay.
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::MaryLayo: Which to you is the most romantic
book in the Bible?
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::You've got a choice of two.
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::So there's Songs of Solomon, so very know.
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::Quite yes.
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::Or would you go with the more let's call it
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::traditional, the Book of Ruth.
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::Quite romantic, very romantic story.
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::So which of the two would you go with, songs
of Solomon or The Book of Ruth?
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::Vinnie: The Book of Ruth.
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::I've said it before and I'll say it again,
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::it's about sustainability and as you see,
Solomon, that's not sustainable.
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::MaryLayo: You know what?
I actually thought you were going to go with
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::Songs of Solomon, but no, given what you've
said now, actually, I get what you're saying,
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::given what you've been saying about that
sustainable love.
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::Okay.
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::All right.
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::Vinnie: I love my husband more today than I
did yesterday.
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::I did when we first started dating.
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::Yeah.
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::There isn't anything that you can there's
nothing that can come in between us.
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::There's absolutely nothing.
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::And I think that's one, because we put God
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::first.
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::Sounds cliche, but two, the relationship
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::agreement, we used to use it a lot.
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::It used to be on our refrigerator.
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::We both signed it.
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::Like, my husband came with me to therapy when
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::we were talking about getting married, and I
just wanted to make sure, hey, listen, are we
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::doing the right thing?
Are we moving in the right direction?
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::And he slapped this relationship agreement
down, and we've been living it ever since.
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::And we don't need it on the refrigerator
anymore.
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::Those boundaries, we don't cross them.
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::MaryLayo: Okay, slight diversion here then.
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::So what's in this relationship agreement?
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::Vinnie: Tell me, relationship agreement, what
does not work?
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::We settle for pretending to agree when we
really don't.
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::One or the other gives in but continues to
hold a grudge.
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::What does work?
We agree because we see the same solution.
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::That's one.
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::Two, I get my way, and you fully understand
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::and see that it is the best or most reasonable
solution.
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::Three, you get your way, and I fully see that
is the best or most reasonable solution.
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::Four, we create a new way that we both see as
reasonable.
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::The other part of this is methods to build and
sustain relationships.
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::See where I got the word from it's right
there?
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::MaryLayo: Yeah.
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::Vinnie: Be non judgmental.
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::Allow each person to function within their own
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::reason.
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::Don't offer an opinion that is not asked for.
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::Just stay away from the words you should.
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::MaryLayo: Oh, really?
Okay.
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::Vinnie: Be respectful.
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::Always assume the best about your partner.
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::Be forgiving and be flexible.
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::MaryLayo: Okay. Basically, that's the
framework that you use.
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::Vinnie: Absolutely.
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::It's the framework that I've used for all of
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::my relationships after I got to know this
piece of paper.
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::It has transformed my life and how I feel
about relationships and marriage.
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::I mean, and the other stuff of being
vulnerable and just the independence of it
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::all, those were initial conversations that I
had to understand how they worked in my own
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::life and how I had to break it down for myself
because, again, I'm an only child.
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::There is no brothers and sisters.
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::There's no one else for me to depend on in my
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::life as a whole.
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::I'm not talking about my mom and she's great,
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::but how I navigate the world and seeing the
world as it's a constant problem that I have
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::to navigate myself.
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::Relationships aren't like that.
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::It's a partnership.
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::Do you really have a partnership, or is this
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::person carrying you or are you carrying that
person?
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::MaryLayo: Sure. Okay, so back to the light
hearted questions.
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::So with your single hat on, so back to those
days of your singleness, would you have looked
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::forward to more, a blind date or a double date
and why?
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::Vinnie: Look forward to more.
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::Oh, that's a good one.
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::At the height of my singleness, probably a
blind date.
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::MaryLayo: Okay.
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::Vinnie: Because of the volatility of it all.
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::Like, I don't know who this person is, and
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::I've been set up and who is this person?
Yeah, but on a double date, it lends itself to
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::you not being able to interact with each other
as much because there's another couple
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::involved, and it's about the four of you and
not necessarily about the two of you.
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::So the blind date definitely, like, why would
this person think that this other person would
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::be good for me?
Oh, I can't wait to meet this person.
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::Yeah, definitely a blind date.
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::But that's a good question.
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::MaryLayo: And then this one is probably a bit
of fun questions.
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::Vinnie: I'm here for it.
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::Let's do it.
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::MaryLayo: So then what would have annoyed you
the most on a first date?
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::So picture this.
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::You're dressed up, ready for a lovely date.
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::You've done your hair, your makeup.
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::You're dressed to the nines.
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::And I'm using the words annoyed could be far
worse.
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::What would have annoyed you the most then,
with that picture in mind?
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::Someone who took you to McDonald's or a
similar fast food restaurant or someone that
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::turned up an hour late with no good excuse.
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::Vinnie: Do not waste my time.
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::Do not waste that is a trigger.
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::You can take me to McDonald's.
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::I don't care if I'm dressed up, dressed down,
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::whatever.
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::Because it's about you and me.
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::We're going to have fun.
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::It's not about what's in front of us.
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::Right.
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::Because I like a Happy Meal.
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::Also, listen and there's dessert.
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::I can get an ice cream cone, too.
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::But being late, I will tell you one of the
dates that sticks out in my mind the most,
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::Mary, is I pulled up to this restaurant, and
this gentleman said he was not there yet.
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::I said, well, where are you?
In the restaurant.
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::I'll meet you, blah, blah, blah.
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::I'm not there yet.
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::What do you mean?
Okay.
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::Oh, you're on your way.
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::Okay, no problem.
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::Well, I'm not really on my way.
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::I'm just about to leave the house.
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::How far are you away?
I'm about 30 minutes.
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::Desperate.
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::Desperate times, right?
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::You make desperate decisions when you are
feeling desperate.
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::MaryLayo: Yeah. So what did you do?
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::Vinnie: I left.
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::MaryLayo: You weren't that desperate,
basically.
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::Vinnie: No, because if you thought the very
best of me, you would have been here.
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::Right.
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::It's really simple.
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::Simple respect.
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::I'm here on time.
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::In fact, I'm early.
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::I'm often late.
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::So I'll give you a 15 minutes grace period in
which I did.
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::I called him back.
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::How far are you now?
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::I'm just getting in the car.
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::No, thank you.
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::Enjoy your day.
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::I'm leaving.
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::No, just wait for me.
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::I'll be there.
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::No, sir, I will not.
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::You wasted my time.
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::You literally wasted my time.
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::If you do that now, what will you do?
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::People will show you who they are right at the
very beginning.
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::You have to pay attention.
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::MaryLayo: So that's your answer?
You definitely would have preferred someone to
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::take you to McDonald's on your first?
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::Vinnie: Yes, absolutely.
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::Take McDonald's anytime you want.
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::MaryLayo: Okay.
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::Vinnie: I love a Big Mac and a Happy Meal.
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::I love a cheeseburger.
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::Happy Meal is my sweet spot.
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::Like when I'm hungry.
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::Hungry.
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::I will get that Happy Meal.
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::What?
Yes.
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::I'm sorry.
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::I'm getting happy now.
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::I want a Happy Meal.
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::MaryLayo: All right.
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::I'm sorry.
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::I'm sorry I did you down that path.
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::Okay, so back to a little bit more serious
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::stuff or stuff, but real stuff prior to you
getting married, other than the therapy that
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::you went through, because that sounded very
helpful.
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::Were there any other sources of insight or
books or other spiritual practices?
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::Because I know you mentioned about praying
that related to singleness that you found
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::particularly helpful during your journey
towards marriage.
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::So were there any other insight sources of
insights or books that you read or spiritual
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::practices that focused on singleness and
helping you prepare towards marriage?
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::Vinnie: No, the only thing that I would say
that I was really consistent with back then is
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::a devotional.
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::I always had a devotional.
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::In fact, my mom gave me my very first one, and
then I always made sure that I had one.
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::And then on top of that, my dentist, actually,
he's Christian.
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::He offers devotionals to his patients.
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::It's a book.
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::Yeah, it's a small booklet about this big and
probably like 100 or so pages.
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::And it's by season, so they come out every
season, summer, winter, spring, fall.
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::So whenever I go, hey, do you have the current
ones?
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::Do you have the past ones?
Thank you very much.
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::I always make sure I have a devotional
somewhere near me in my life that I'm looking
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::at taking notes from.
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::MaryLayo: Yeah, just for those who won't
necessarily know what we mean by devotional,
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::it's a booklet.
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::Vinnie: And so at the top, it will have a
passage that is the theme of that particular
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::devotional.
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::And so you would read that passage, and then
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::there's a story written on that same piece,
written on the same page that also leads you
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::back to that passage.
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::And then a takeaway is at the bottom.
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::So what is God trying to lead you towards?
Or what has God said to you in your life that
307
::you didn't necessarily pay attention to?
It's all centered around God, but sometimes
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::it's timing, sometimes it's are you looking in
the right direction for things?
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::Are you on the right path?
Have you veered off the path?
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::When in the Bible has someone veered off the
path?
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::And that would be the devotional.
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::Try to stay focused.
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::I can't get enough of them.
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::I might start crying.
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::It is crazy how just being so arbitrary with
what one I pick, how instrumental it is in my
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::life at that time.
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::MaryLayo: Cool. So that was something that
helped you during your singleness.
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::I'm getting that it still helps you now.
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::Vinnie: Oh, absolutely.
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::MaryLayo: To this day and then during this
long period of singleness.
321
::Vinnie: Yes.
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::MaryLayo: I know that you were in and out of
relationships during that period, but did any
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::community or support networks and it doesn't
have to be formal.
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::It could just be like your friends.
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::Was there anything, anyone that played a role
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::in helping you to maintain your mental health
and spiritual well being during those
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::especially during those times of singleness.
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::Vinnie: My therapist and I will have to say
the times when I was bottoming out and feeling
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::like I was a little lost and running around in
circles with my singleness.
330
::He would always credit me with staying
grounded with my faith.
331
::He always would be like, I hear a lot of
people, god this, God that.
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::But with you it's more of like you've really
incorporated it into your life every day.
333
::Like, yeah, I'll just start talking to like
just start talking.
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::Why does it have to be so formal?
Why do I have to say, hey God, it's me
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::lavinia?
No, he already knows who it is.
336
::Just start talking.
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::Just start talking.
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::He's like, I've never really met anyone like
that before.
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::And I think that's really helped you.
340
::MaryLayo: You might have touched on this
already, but what would you say are some of
341
::the misconceptions that people can have about
singleness and even marriage that you've
342
::encountered?
Yeah, what would you say could be some typical
343
::misconceptions about singleness and even
marriage?
344
::Vinnie: One of them is to say that the other
sees their life as so difficult or so easy.
345
::Does that make sense?
Like, as married people, you might think of
346
::this person's life as being, if they're
single, so simple and nothing is complicated
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::about their life and it just has to do with
them.
348
::Or the person who is single may be like, oh,
how do you have problems?
349
::You have this person.
350
::It's all so simple.
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::Right, rosy, you've got all these boxes
ticked.
352
::MaryLayo: Yeah.
353
::Vinnie: Each life comes with its own
complexities.
354
::And I think as married people we need to look
at the needs of single people and talk to them
355
::about like you're doing about their journey of
singleness.
356
::What does that mean to you?
How comfortable are you in it?
357
::What is your next step?
What would you like your next step to be?
358
::Because some people are just out here living
their best single life and they don't really
359
::care about being in any kind of relationship.
360
::MaryLayo: Yeah, very true.
361
::Vinnie: But at the same point, there are
people out here who are married, want to be
362
::married, but don't act like they want to be
married.
363
::They're making decisions that are not very
marriage like or very partnership like.
364
::I always say that my husband is my partner.
365
::He's not my husband.
366
::He's my partner for the good and the bad.
367
::He's my partner.
368
::We have built like a house.
369
::We have built a foundation.
370
::And if there is a problem with the foundation,
we talk about it.
371
::Do we need a plumber?
Do we need insect control?
372
::Whatever that is.
373
::The analogy is still the same.
374
::What is it that we actually need?
What's wrong with the foundation?
375
::What's going on here?
You're tired, you're frustrated?
376
::Okay, then I just need to leave you alone for
a minute and let you have your moment.
377
::That's why we have a separate TV room.
378
::That's why there's a TV in every room in this
379
::house.
380
::Because if I don't want to look at you, I want
381
::to look at you.
382
::Not in that way, just I need some alone time.
383
::I would like to look at some shows that don't
have anything to do with wrestling or
384
::football, if that's okay.
385
::MaryLayo: But you know what?
I like what you said about those
386
::misconceptions when it comes to singleness and
even marriage, because what popped to my mind
387
::was how there's that I think there is a
misconception when it comes to single people,
388
::because people tend to think, oh, you've got
time.
389
::Oh, you don't have this or that to deal with.
390
::And actually, you can.
391
::Vinnie: I do.
392
::MaryLayo: Very busy.
393
::Extremely busy.
394
::Yes.
395
::Vinnie: A lot of complexities that go along
with each life, and you need to respect that.
396
::MaryLayo: Exactly. Okay. What advice do you
have for individuals who are still single and
397
::struggling with feelings of loneliness or even
societal expectations?
398
::What advice would you leave individuals so
still single?
399
::They may be still single in their 30s.
400
::Still single and in their 40s, maybe still
401
::single and in their 50s.
402
::Whatever age.
403
::What advice would you like to give them?
404
::Vinnie: Be a few things.
405
::One, don't look externally, look internally
406
::and really look inside.
407
::The common denominator in all relationships is
408
::you.
409
::What are you bringing to the table or not
410
::bringing to the table?
Or what trauma are you bringing?
411
::What baggage are you bringing?
What behaviors, good and bad, are you bringing
412
::to this relationship or the prospect of this
relationship?
413
::So look internally, really do some searching
of the decisions that you've made and what
414
::those decisions have really the long term
ramifications of those.
415
::Do you go for the same type of person every
single time?
416
::Have you really thought about the person that
you want to be with?
417
::Right?
Like, how this person navigates their life?
418
::Are they just a good dresser?
Are they just a good talker?
419
::Are they just just trying to have fun?
Are they a really good human being?
420
::My friends and I use the term good egg.
421
::Do you have a good egg?
422
::And really don't look at that.
423
::Well, he's a good egg, but he does live at
424
::home with his mom.
425
::If he lives at home with his mom, that might
426
::be okay.
427
::Is his mom living with him, or is he living
428
::with his mom?
Does he own the house or does she own the
429
::house?
Why are we so technical with this anyway?
430
::Maybe I'm living at home because it's just
more cost effective.
431
::Maybe I don't have a car because I don't need
a car and I can just take the subway or
432
::whatever.
433
::You'll be so quick to write someone off.
434
::Really look inside and why you're writing this
person off, right?
435
::I know me personally because of therapy.
436
::I don't like lazy men.
437
::I don't.
438
::I don't like lazy men because my father was
439
::lazy, and it's really big turn off for me.
440
::However, on the flip side of that, I don't
441
::want a man who's like my mother either, who is
really career driven, staying at home, staying
442
::at work all the time, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah.
443
::They both have their issues.
444
::Look at your decisions.
445
::Okay, that's one.
446
::It's kind of two things.
447
::In one, make sure that you know God and talk
to Him a lot.
448
::A lot, a lot.
449
::There's people who are not believers or
450
::they're struggling with their belief.
451
::He literally just wants you to come see Him,
452
::just like you would to get a haircut, just
like you would to go to the doctor.
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::He just wants you to come see Him, and it
doesn't mean that you have to go to his
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::office.
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::God is everywhere.
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::You don't have to go to church.
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::He's everywhere.
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::Pull the car over.
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::Talk.
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::I'm struggling, God.
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::I'm really struggling.
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::I need a sign.
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::I need you to point me in the right direction.
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::Seek guidance.
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::He knows what you need.
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::And don't buck it when he gives you the
answer, because as I stated to you before, he
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::was older than me.
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::He's right.
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::That in itself.
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::And I thought I didn't want a man who was
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::married who does that.
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::I want to start all over fresh.
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::I make more money than Carlos.
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::So what really think about the person in whom
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::you saying that you want to be with?
Do they really fit you?
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::Like I said, puzzle piece.
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::Do you feel like a puzzle that's fit into the
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::right place?
Or do you feel like, this is not my corner,
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::this isn't where I'm supposed to be?
God and internal reflection and look at those
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::decisions that you have made and what
decisions you could make differently in the
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::future.
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::I stopped making certain decisions, right?
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::I just stopped.
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::I just stopped all of it.
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::I level settled.
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::I started with me because it can't all be
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::them.
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::It can't all be them.
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::I'm making the wrong decisions.
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::MaryLayo: I love that.
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::So God and that internal reflection and
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::learning basically from basically learning
from the.
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::Vinnie: Past and realizing how your past has
gotten you here, like your relationship with
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::your parents or your sister, your brother.
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::All of those relationships are either helping
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::you or not helping you to your best self.
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::All of them.
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::MaryLayo: On that note, I'd like to thank you
for being such a fun and transparent guest on
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::Marylayo.
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::Vinnie: Of course, I hope to do this again,
Maybe?
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::MaryLayo: Earlier in the conversation, vinnie
and I mentioned briefly the Book of Ruth,
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::which is a story in the Bible of a widowed
lady named Ruth who went through a lot with
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::her mother in law Naomi, but was eventually
blessed with a husband who was a very eligible
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::bachelor indeed.
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::So read Ruth chapters one to four.
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::But in the meantime, here's a snippet.
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::I'll read Ruth chapter three, verses one to
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::five and verses ten to twelve.
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::Then I'll read chapter four, verse 13, and it
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::reads one day Naomi said to Ruth, my daughter,
it's time that I found a permanent home for
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::you so that you will be provided for.
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::Boaz is a close relative of ours, and he's
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::been very kind by letting you gather grain
with his young women.
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::Tonight he will be winnowing barley at the
freshing floor.
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::Now do as I tell you.
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::Take a bath and put on perfume and dress in
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::your nicest clothes.
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::Then go to the freshing floor, but don't let
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::Boaz see you until he's finished eating and
drinking.
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::Be sure to notice where he lies down.
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::Then go and uncover his feet and lie down
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::there.
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::He will tell you what to do.
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::I will do everything you say, Ruth replied.
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::Verse ten says the Lord bless you, my
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::daughter.
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::Boaz exclaimed.
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::You are showing even more family loyalty now
than you did before, for you have not gone
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::after a younger man, whether rich or poor.
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::Now, don't worry about a thing, my daughter.
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::I will do what is necessary.
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::For everyone in town knows you are a virtuous
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::woman.
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::But while it's true that I'm one of your
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::family redeemers, there is another man who is
more closely related to you than I am.
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::Chapter four, verse 13 reads so Boaz took Ruth
into his home, and she became his wife.
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::Thank you for listening.
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::MaryLayo: Do follow and join me again next.
539
::MaryLayo: Time on Marylayo Talks Beyond the
Smile.
